I’ve been left alone; as always. How could he step out the door so relaxed? I’m waving at him from my window with a melancholic smile on my face. What could be on his mind while he’s driving home? Does he have his own dark abyss too? What is he going to say at home? How could he hide the aftershocks of this emotional earthquake from his wife? I cannot comprehend any of this.

Life would be unbearable for me if I had to constantly pretend and maintain a fake world for someone so close to me; for someone who once I vowed faithfulness and love.

All the time he has to uphold this counterfeit reality at home. What a waste of energy! The thought of investing so much effort to maintain a lie, a screwed, fake world, gives me the goosebumps. To conceal all his emotions every hour of every day, in order to hide the truth, in order to ensure that the other one doesn’t suspect the secret. To remember every single fib and lie, month after month, just to avoid a logical error which he cannot explain away.

Does he sometimes wonder what he’s doing to his other half? I’m astonished at the way he can deny at home what he is doing. Why doesn’t his wife notice anything? She is living with someone without having the slightest clue about what he’s doing behind her back. How is that possible? Or is it just as the days rush by she doesn’t notice that something changed? She doesn’t have a clue about the dissipated past vows and oaths, or about what the man who once loved her is doing and what kind of person he became. They knew each other before, but the constant and gradual disaffection made the personality changes unnoticeable.

This is frightening. I have plenty of unanswered questions in my head.

Every time he looks into my eyes, softly whispers his vow of love and tells me how painfully he missed me, his gaze is so honest. At the same time his actions are not: he’s going home to the place where his home is. I was only able to find one answer to this conflict. While my love is continuously burning day and night – as a perpetual fire in a hearth making the heat penetrate through the frozen walls during a cold winter season – his love is only momentary. This sounds weird, but it has to be like this. His male desire to possess, his sexual attraction and his excitement is able to induce the feeling of love burning with eternal flames momentarily, but it’s unable to sustain these feelings. For this reason in those minutes and hours he’s able to honestly express his love, engulf me in his arms with total devotion, provide all the security and make me believe that I am the only one in his life, I am the only one who can make him reach such levels of emotional ecstasy.

It’s vastly disappointing to learn that this state of his is only transient. I can’t believe it and I won’t believe it either. My mind arrived to this conclusion, but my feeling is too deep down and at its boiling point like the hot lava just before a volcanic eruption; there is no chance to control it. I can try, but the heat and the raw power which originates from the immense depths of nature is unstoppable. It cannot be paused; not even for a moment. The day will dawn when he wouldn’t walk out the door and I don’t have to waive goodbye from my window – this hope is vividly alive in me; and in him as well, I believe.

Nicky’s Navel-Gazing – Part 1 of 4 – The Situation

Nicky’s Navel-Gazing – Part 2 of 4 – My Mind

 

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One Comment on “Nicky’s Navel-Gazing – Part 3 of 4 – His Mind

  1. Pingback: Nicky’s Navel-Gazing – Part 2 of 4 – My Mind – Olivia Wild

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