Welcome to the second part. Click here if you haven’t read Part 1 – The Situation.
I think about this a lot. Why did this happen? How did I get into this mess? And why can’t I get out of it? Why don’t I have the power to move on? Why can’t my mind rule my heart?
These are the questions which I ask myself as the walls turn grayish in my living room. Those who have never fallen for the wrong guy can’t understand this. I’ve never wanted to fall in love with the wrong guy. I don’t think anyone would wish that for herself.
But it just happened, and it happens all the time to others too. Lots of girls are out there walking in my shoes, trying to find a way to cope with all the suffering. That’s exactly what this kind of emotional state causes. Maybe it happened because I didn’t know him well enough so I could idolize his personality? I imagined him as being the perfect guy for me, and living this dream I couldn’t believe that he could be something else.
This is just like being hooked on drugs. As I get near to the substance and know that I’ll get my shot the surge of excitement inundates my system. My dark, black pupils expand. Due to the dryness in my mouth it’s difficult for me to formulate words, and I can hear my own accelerated heartbeat as I wait for the sharp sound of the doorbell. And when he steps in, oh! Dopamine and serotonin floods all the cells in my brain. I feel like an eagle flying in the skies. I can’t even comprehend how I’ve managed to pull through these past few days without him. My endorphin levels peak as our lips touch and our tongues begin to caress each other. We sparkle in the darkness of the entrance hall. The marble tile flooring cools down our hot steps. The most intense love fills up every second.
This is addiction. It turns off reason. The real world vanishes and time stops. Only the two of us are swimming in our fervent feelings. This is worth all the painful hours of waiting. I feel it in his quivers, in his embrace, in his caressing that he doesn’t want anything else but to have me. When two souls are so entangled in their quest to find harmony all thoughts disperse. Only the primal desire remains. Obeying my instincts, I grab him and cling onto him so much that letting him go is unimaginable. There is no past, no yesterday, no future – only the now exists. The present; and the tidal-wave of feelings in this present, the dominance of the primal instincts rule everything. All movements, all actions are guided by the drunken ecstasy of love. Love! Oh, yes! When love gets fulfillment! Nothing compares to that! The best drugs, even the purest substance would not be able to provide such a flood of feelings and the total loss of reality in both time and space. With his physical presence he’s able to elevate my soul high into the skies for never ending hours!
But it ends.
The withdrawal symptoms arrive. I’m starting to fall into an abyss – falling down to the infinite darkness among rotten tree trunks and prickly bushes. Infinite darkness – the effect of the drug fizzle out and I’m out of supply.
What could he possibly feel at times like this?